I promised last week to give a man by man summary of my online dating experiences over these past few months. I probably could have chosen a better time to sign up. Since December 1, there has been Christmas, Covid restrictions and bad weather to interfere with meeting anyone for a simple cup of coffee. 

And, following the advice of a certain male friend, I cast a wide net. Meaning, distance was often a factor.

Some of these potential suitors I have discussed in previous posts. This post offers a little more on the details behind the interactions.  

1. The First. The first contact I had was with an attractive, educated, business owner with a furniture building hobby as a side hustle. He was great. We had a few very enjoyable phone conversations.

Gee, I thought, how lucky can I be? Right off the bat I meet someone. He expressed regret about the inconvenience of the distance between us. He also asked me very early in our conversations if I was looking for long term. Now… hold on. I can see where that is a fair and justifiable question, but I also think it is a ridiculous question. Can we meet first? I expect my hedging on this answer, the distance between us (a two hour drive) and a conversation about my being a widow…and…

Ghosted! Ouch.

2. Quesadilla. This gentleman had a rather pretentious code name for his profile. I had to google what it meant, and promptly renamed him ‘Quesadilla’. He was a business owner with a creative background. If you recall a previous post, this was the man who said I sounded ‘standoffish’. During the same ‘standoffish’ conversation he suggested that my being a widow for a year and a half was really not a very long time. …Really? Please tell me more about being a widow. And then he mansplained the limbic brain system to me, even after I interrupted him to say, yes, I know about the limbic brain system, I studied it in a sociology course… 

In sum, I really didn’t enjoy our phone conversation. There was no grand connection, it just didn’t resonate. So, was I standoffish because I am a widow, or because I genuinely could not warm up to the man? Either way, I was more than a little miffed at myself for agreeing to meet with him.

I began to relive horrible dates I’d gone on in my youth because I didn’t know how to graciously say no. Then, why, you ask, did I agree to a meeting? Well, in a ridiculous fog of twisted logic, I had no choice but to meet with him. I had to prove I am not standoffish.

The same friend who had advised me to cast a wide net had also given me a pep talk before I even started this experiment. He said, and I quote, “Anne, you are a grown-ass woman. You get to make all the choices. You get to decide the meetings, the restaurants, and all the rest of it.” Well. I got in touch with my inner grown-ass woman and sent Quesadilla a very nice note cancelling our coffee date. His response was to ask if I had decided that dating, or online dating, was not for me after all? No, I said, I have been talking with others whom I feel are a better fit. Within seconds he deleted me from his page. No nice note back. 

3.  The Sexy Texter. This guy. Hoo Boy. Attractive, and a seemingly sweet personality. We were flirting a lot via texts and it was fun. He did not get overly personal, did not ask nitty gritty questions, it was just fun. But then, …ouf… How much to share? We had about three or four telephone conversations where it seemed that he could just not talk to me in person. I kept wondering where was the personality he had when he was texting? Was he shy? Nervous? He would stay on the line for only a few minutes and then he would say he had to go and abruptly hang up. 

I am neither naive, nor slow, but in this case I was both. Eventually I realized why he couldn’t talk and it had nothing to do with shyness. 

At least this one ended well. He very nicely accepted my choice to move on. In spite of everything, I will admit, I did enjoy the texting. It was fun while it lasted. It’s just he was having more fun than I was.

4. High Expectations. This gentleman was the first one I actually met in person. He was the one I spoke of in a previous post who had exaggerated his height. If he hadn’t, the meeting might have gone differently, but I doubt it. 

He had never married, had lived with a woman for about two years when he was much younger. He described to me how he felt a marriage should work. Roughly paraphrasing, a marriage should be like a tree. The trunk represents the love, while the branches are respect, commitment, honesty etc. Both parties are responsible for keeping the tree watered.

…Sure. On paper maybe. In poetry perhaps. But those of us who have been married for a couple of decades, know it is hard work. Pretty metaphors about how it should work will not be helpful during an argument. 

As our meeting came to an end, we both agreed there was no spark and we would not be meeting again. He was a U2 fan and as coincidence would have it, his phone rang just before he left. His ringtone? ‘I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.’ I said the words out loud and we both had a chuckle.

Were this man to ask me for advice, (highly unlikely), I would suggest he change that ring tone to ‘At Last’ by Etta James, or ‘Finally’ by Mary J. Blige. Something, anything, with a bit more optimism.

5. Funny Boy. This exchange is a great example of the kind of random connections that occur on the road to nowhere. I read this man’s profile and it was genuinely humorous. Few of those profiles are. I sent him a note saying, “An unusual thing just happened. I actually laughed reading a profile.” Well, that started things. We quickly moved off the site and onto texting. We texted all day long. Wit, humour, teasing, and of course, a bit of flirting. Ping, ping, ping, and ping again. When I say all day, I mean, we signed off with ‘nite nite’, and ‘sweet dreams’ for pity’s sake.

Here’s the punch line. The next day I’m ghosted. Funny, huh?

6. Close But No Cigar. I liked this man even though I knew it was likely there was no potential for anything more than a fling. We met for coffee and an hour and a half flew by. He was nice, sincere, and easy to chat with. Over a period of about three weeks we stayed in touch with each other. Covid restrictions made it challenging to meet again.

During our coffee meeting he had told me he was just coming out of a tumultuous relationship and probably should not be looking to date again so soon. After a couple of failed attempts to arrange a second meeting, he sent me a very nice text ending things. He felt he was just not ready. He said nice things about me, I said I understood. I said nice things back to him and we both moved on. 

To all Ghosters everywhere — there. That’s how you do it.

7. Mystery Man of Science and Intrigue… and this gentleman will be the topic of next week’s post. Maybe.

Stay safe everyone.

Anne Milne is an every Sunday blogger.  Facebook or Twitter.