Red flags on the beach mean the water is dangerous, don’t go swimming.

Red flags in relationships are considered the early warning signs of characteristics that would challenge the success of a long term relationship. Any one of us who has ever offered comfort to a friend after a break up will know that there are usually discussions of what the ‘red flags’ were and when they were first noticed.

Often those flags were right there in plain view… but gosh, he/she was cute.

Many of us have been in relationships (including friends and business partners) where we wanted things to work out so badly we willingly, deliberately, ignored the waving red flag, only to regret it later. Nothing hurts more than admitting to oneself, ‘I told you so and you wouldn’t listen.’

In my ongoing online dating adventures, I’m finding there has to be a balance between what is a genuine red flag versus being too quick to judge. Trying to get to know someone ‘from scratch’ means means you’re constantly sifting and sorting through the information presented; Hmmm… Never married? Why not? …Described ex-wife with a negative term… Too quick to talk about what I look like… Hmmm… Hmmm…

In the meantime, I’m being judged as well. My guess is I’ve been speared with a red flag and tossed aside based on my widowhood more than once. I’ve learned that some men assume a widow comes with baggage. Which, in my opinion, is an unfair judgement of who I would be as a partner. 

At what point is a red flag a serious indicator of serious relationship issues or am I, (and my girlfriends and my siblings), overreacting, ‘over judging’ the run-of-the-mill human issues we all have? As Esther Perel says, there is no such thing as ‘The One’. If you choose person A, you will have to deal with their issues; choose person B, and you deal with different issues. Either way, there’s going to be issues. Which person is best suited to deal with your issues? Which person can you build a life with? Or in my case, at least have a cup of coffee with.

Stay safe everyone.

Anne Milne is an every Sunday blogger.  Facebook or Twitter.