Online Dating. A Few Pointers.
The problem with online dating is… It’s online. Participants are trying to build a social connection without any social context.
The only date I had during this three month experiment was when my brother took me out for dinner. We joked about whether or not he’d take me to the prom too.
I met three men in person for coffee, was ghosted at least three times and broken up with twice. By broken up with, I mean they chose to end any further contact, whether we had met or not. Many times, I was the one who ended the contact — always clearly, always politely.
Being ghosted sucks, but ghosters are gonna ghost. If it has happened to you, take comfort in knowing there was an imbalance of emotional maturity between you and the other party. If a person does not know how to end a relationship, they shouldn’t be starting one.
When contact falls flat with someone who seemed full of possibility, it is tempting to engage in ‘woulda-coulda-shoulda’ thinking. Truth is, unless the other party tells you directly what the issues were, there is no way of knowing. Mind reading is a skill best left at the local fair. It has no place in dating or relationships.
I entered into this not really knowing what I wanted. I am much clearer now about what I’m looking for and and what I’m ready for. I’ve learned that others expect you to know this already. Wishy washy doesn’t sell.
My standard method of operation has always been to hang back while I check others out. In the past, people have told me they were surprised to learn I had any personality at all because I seemed so quiet and reserved. This approach is not useful in this context, if it ever was. I have to be willing to let these connections see who I am a little more clearly. Don’t be stingy with the personality.
For me, the interactions I had gave little indication of who I am or what I would have to offer in a partnership. And vice versa. Casual conversations, flirting, and texting do not provide a qualified assessment of anyone’s potential for being in a quality relationship. Any person participating in online dating needs to bear that in mind.
For now, I have had enough. I am stepping away from online dating for at least a month. Next time, I’ll be better prepared. I know what I want, what I have to offer, and who I consider worthy.
Bottom line, here’s my advice to myself;
1.) Summon my bravery — stop seeing risks and red flags everywhere. We’re all a bunch of orange flags running about bumping into each other. Give a guy a chance. Take a chance.
2.) Follow every Mom’s first date advice, ‘be yourself’ — be authentic. Let the other person see more of who I am.
3.) Follow the push of my gut feelings — take a step forward if that is the direction, or withdraw. Just pay attention and act accordingly.
In sum, online dating needs to be approached with bravery, authenticity and a wee bit of self awareness. A good recipe for any arena.
One final thought. Receiving all those likes and pings was a little addictive. I’ve always wondered — for how long afterward did Pavlov’s dog continue to salivate when ringing the bell no longer meant food? I’m about to find out.
Stay safe everyone.
There’s an interesting series called “Dating Diaries” in the Toronto Star. It’s about that first date and how it goes. This week was about the biggest turnoff….the failure to ask questions. I laughed because every woman has met the guy who talks incessantly about himself, his abilities and his possessions without ever showing the slightest interest in what his date likes or does. It was the most cited reason for no second date.
When and if I ever get a date, I’ll be aware of that. Thank you for this.
Thanks Anne for sharing. You are very brave and I admire your willingness to participate in the relationship game.
It really was the only way for me to find out if I was ready or not. Writing about it forced me to evaluate as I was going along. Learned a lot and am happy to share.
Thank you Wilda.