A friend of mine died of cancer last year. I spoke a few words at her memorial, told a few humorous stories and, I hope, gave an impression of who she was for me.  But, there was one story I didn’t tell and I wish I would have.  It’s a story about something I learned from her, and I’ve thought of many, many times since.

This friend of mine was a gentle soul. She had her own way of doing things, which sometimes meant she did nothing at all. Her life had a few challenges and her girlfriends, me among them, occasionally (okay, almost always) offered up advice on how she should be responding to her situations. She would listen, nodding and agreeing, and then proceed to do what she wanted, or do nothing.

On one occasion however she was correct in refusing to follow our advice.

My friend had done a series of favours for another woman. She had put time and effort into those favours and was not given anything in return. Not a thank you card, not a bottle of wine, not a lunch.

Well! The rest of us were appalled at this thankless behaviour. We moaned and wailed at the gall of someone taking advantage of our friend and suggested that our friend speak up and say something.

In her gentle but direct way our friend refused our advice once again.

And here’s the lesson. My friend simply shrugged and shook her head and and said she would never say anything to that person. She had never expected anything in return for her time and effort. And here’s the clincher.  She said, “It is not in her repertoire to thank me in that way.”

…It is not in her ‘repertoire’…

What my friend was saying, gently as ever, was that she had known from the beginning there would be no payoff for her time and effort. More than that; she was accepting her friend’s view of the world, including her limitations. What the rest of us thought of as bad manners, my friend simply accepted as part of who that person was.

It makes me think about what is in my repertoire, or perhaps lacking. If my friend were still around, I would like to re-visit this story with her and advise her to tell me to stuff it. And then we would have a good laugh.

I hope you enjoyed reading this blog.  Your comments, questions, ideas and suggestions are always welcome.  You can comment here, or choose between Facebook, Twitter, or the contact button.  

Anne Milne is an every Sunday blogger.  I keep it short and to the point.  Topics are as wide ranging as a straight but not narrow path.