One evening, circa 1975, my boyfriend was driving me home. We were having an enormous fight; I had talked to another man at the bar. I refused to disclose what we had been talking about because it involved a birthday surprise for the boyfriend.

His side of the argument deteriorated into calling me an endless stream of derogatory names. I’ll let you imagine what they could possibly have been. This experience was new to me. I’d heard plenty of arguments between my parents but I’d never heard them resort to swearing and name calling. It struck me as an illogical way to resolve an argument, and besides, I didn’t like it. I told him to shut up.

Crack!

He backhanded me right across the chops. We both froze. I believe it shocked him as much as it shocked me. The rest of the ride was in utter silence. 

He pulled into my driveway, I slammed the car door, slammed the door into my house, slammed my bedroom door–my poor Mother trailing one step behind me, wanting to know what had happened. I didn’t tell her. It was a conversation we probably should have had. I don’t recall telling anyone. But I sure did my share of thinking.  

How did he process the incident? I have no idea. He and I never discussed it to any meaningful level, but it seemed to me (at the time, and in hindsight), his reaction stemmed from the fact that I was a woman talking back. It was acceptable for him to heap verbal abuse on me but he found it unacceptable, (or disrespectful perhaps), that I should have objected. 

My own processing included a review of all I had learned from reading Ann Landers columns since I was twelve; “If it happens once, it will happen again”. There is more to this story; we did reconcile briefly before the final break-up, but my point is more about all women everywhere.

To this day, I still reflect on how automatic his reaction had been. That smack came right from his source. Involuntary. Reflexive.

Why? Where had that reflex come from? Did he consider the power balance in an argument to be gender related? Or some other logic? Had his father abused his mother? I don’t know. But we all know his reaction was not unique.

Violence against women, missing indigenous women, femicide. It’s an unpleasant list. December 6 in Canada is marked to remember the tragedy that occurred at l’École Polytechnique de Montréal. Fourteen women were violently killed. They were deliberately selected by the gunmen because they were women choosing to study a traditionally male field. Mark the day in whatever way suits you and your circumstances, but please open the discussion.

Keep your joy.

Anne Milne is an every Sunday blogger, unless it’s a holiday weekend. Or summertime. Facebook or email.